


You Might Say It's Self Destructive

by auntieshakespeare



Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Anxiety Disorder, Bossuet - Freeform, Character Study, Feuilly - Freeform, Gen, Joly - Freeform, Self Confidence Issues, allusions to depression, jehan - Freeform, mentions of Enjolras, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 16:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auntieshakespeare/pseuds/auntieshakespeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere down the line the universe made a mistake and surrounded Grantaire with talented and beautiful people. If he believed in fate, if he believed in a just god or a pantheon of capricious deities, Grantaire would have thought that he was being mocked. <i>Let’s toss the loser into the mix with the best of the best and see how he reacts.</i> It is a joke. His life is a cosmic joke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Might Say It's Self Destructive

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written fanfiction in over four years, so forgive me for how terrible this is. I'm trying my hand at writing again, since a few of my headcanons on tumblr seemed decently well received. 
> 
> Title taken from "Bad Habit" by The Dresden Dolls.

If there is one certainty in the world, it is this: Grantaire is a fuck up.

It is a truth etched into his bones—Grantaire was born to fuck up everything he touches. And not in the almost charming way that Bossuet tends to create chaos in his wake. You see, when Bossuet tries and fails, but laughs and thinks, _Well, I know not to do that again._ When Grantaire tries and fails, he thinks, _Well, what did you expect?_

Grantaire is not good enough. 

Somewhere down the line the universe made a mistake and surrounded Grantaire with talented and beautiful people. If he believed in fate, if he believed in a just god or a pantheon of capricious deities, Grantaire would have thought that he was being mocked. _Let’s toss the loser into the mix with the best of the best and see how he reacts._ It is a joke. His life is a cosmic joke.

(But even that is not true. He doesn’t believe in God, doesn’t believe in fate or karma. The only thing making Grantaire miserable is Grantaire. He is his own puppet and he makes himself dance.)

It hurts sometimes, listening to his friends talk. Because when they talk, they shine with promise. When they say they want to make the world a better place, Grantaire almost believes it. His friends can do anything they set their minds to; it seems that they’ve been adults for centuries instead of half a decade or so, given how composed and accomplished they are. They take action and make things happen; Grantaire considers it an achievement if he puts on pants before noon. 

So Grantaire does not talk about his own life around them because in comparison he is nothing. Instead he makes jokes, twisting his friends’ words into labyrinths through which they cleverly navigate. He cannot compete with their success or successes to come, so he trains them subtly. He guides them through the pitfalls ahead with his cynicism and defeatist attitude. He does not believe in what they believe, but he loves them, so he offers the meager gift of his love the only way he knows how.

His friends are not perfect, he understands this. No one is perfect, not even Enjolras—though he certainly strives for it—and Grantaire knows that they have their weaknesses. Jehan feels too much, so his feelings drip out of him in ink and blood, which mix together under the sleeves of his too-large sweaters. Joly cares obsessively about everything—school, his health, his friends—and it makes him sick with anxiety that drains him of his good natured cheer. Feuilly feels like he has to prove his worth, so he overdoes everything, works himself to the bone until he feels validated. 

Grantaire sees all of this. Grantaire _loves_ his friends, so he watches out for them because he knows what it is like to be imperfect. He knows the feeling of blood and ink pooling on skin, knows what it’s like to find yourself breathless with panic, knows just how worthless a person can feel.

But in the end, Grantaire is still a fuck up.

His presence spells disaster and he refuses to bring the people he loves down with him. So he keeps his distance. He drinks through important meetings, skips classes to get the shit knocked out of him in the boxing ring, because if he can convince his friends that he is as much of a fuck up as he knows he is they will be spared. Sometimes he sleeps the day away and awakes to a setting sun and the realization that he has wasted another day. A mocking voice in his head tells him that it is for the best. _Save living for the people who deserve it._

So he takes his life one day at a time, indulging in his vices, indifferent to life and death. He knows that his choices do not matter. There are people in the world who might be important, but what he does with his body and mind is insignificant.

After all, failure is written in his DNA.


End file.
